At Beach Bum High Skool we had to vote for class president. Everyone put their hands up for Mr. Kool. A classmate put up a solitary defiant hand for Mr. Unkool. I thought this classmate has guts, I like him; and he became my Incredible Best Friend. The next day we decided to skip skool to go surfing. He dropped in on me on my first wave, a big no no among surfers. I thought this guy has guts and he’s stupid (ever since his Mom hit him over the head with a guitar it’s been nothing but bad music).

We were partners in crime during our teenage tearaway years. I sold him down the river, fished him out the drunk-tank, and pulled him out the car crash. He got lucky when I was busted at midnight in the garden of good and evil doing no good deals with no good people. He stood by me when my thirst for God crazed my soul. Yeah, he’s a true friend and we don’t need much conversation or explanation.

We both became accountants and went overseas. In London, his audit firm threw him out after he gave a partner an international peace sign. I told him he’s got tons of guts and he’s incredibly stupid. “What about a reference?” I asked. He said he didn’t care and wanted to know if I’d help him out with his great idea. I told him “I’ve just got a great job with a great bank and I’ve got a great future”. I laughed when he started working on his crummy idea from his crummy bed-sit facing a crummy future. Eighteen months later he made his first million. Eventually he sold his business and became a gazillionaire.

Ladies, he’s still single and if you stand on Llandudno Beach, Cape Town look into the sky for the big blue palace with the best views. That’s all the address you’ll need; but I want a quarter of a gazillion for the introduction. But before you ring the doorbell, watch out for the dogs, armed response and razor wire. We’re kind of friendly that way in South Africa where even the police stations have panic buttons. Yup, he’s the real Joe Gazillionaire and I’d also say he’s charming and good looking but I can’t bring myself to lie. 

My Incredible Best Friend should be an inspiration to us all. He’s proved that you don’t have to be smart to be successful, all you need is guts. But I want to remind you my Incredible Best Friend, that I too have an unimaginably vast fortune waiting for me and that every month the Lord advances me a copper coin to keep me going, and that I too will one day live in a heavenly mansion like no other, and that I too have guts - but for God.

It was good to see you again smarty-pants.


ps. tell the Prettiest Blonde Ever that I will take her to dinner when I get back. I will handcuff myself to the lamppost outside her flat and yodel. Send her the link to my electronic underwear; I’m sure she’ll love it.