I haven't written anything in absolutely ages and ages....I guess what with college and everything, things got a bit hectic and finding time to sleep was becoming a bit of a problem!-this last year has been a whirlwind-I don't know where the time has gone, and now suddenly I find myself having graduated with a job out in Dubai! Yes, whirlwind. My earthly father said I would never amount to anything and (smugly) I like to think he has been proved wrong. My heavenly Father clearly had different ideas and has given me all that I have and all that I am.

This got me to thinking the other day-how on earth I'm where I am, and where I'd be and what I'd be doing if I'd listened to the one father and not the other. Kind of a sensitive subject I guess, probably a little tricky to articlate....but I was watching (the best movie EVER made ever,) Breakfast at Tiffany's the other day and although I've watched this movie hundreds of times I suddenly found a huge amount of poignancy in that famous taxi seen. 'Fred' says to Holly "wherever you go to escape you'll always end up coming back as you'll find you only end up running into yourself" What's so wrong with that??-nothing-provided that the 'yourself' that you end up running into is someone that you can look in the eye and smile at. However, there are so many things about ourselves that we don't want to/can't face...because then suddenly we won't be OK, so they are kept in a cage (like Holly) as we're too scared to let them out and actually confront them. 

When I was little I had a fish who I called fish, (just like Holly's cat called 'cat') so when it died I wouldn't get upset. Thing was, when it did die I was very sad!!-however hard you try, you cannot separate yourself from your emotions and therefore from yourself and however hard you try to run from who you are, you won't ever win the race-and who you are is made up of everything you've been through, so facing that is part of being able to look yourself in the eye and smile. Wish I could do that. Like Holly in Breakfast at Tiffany's I think I've been running for so long I've suddenly run into myself and now I have to sort myself out. Except I can't-only with God is that possible. He heals, He frees and He loves!! Whatever you (I!) try to do to escape, and I've tried everything, there is a point you get to when you just have to stop and, with God sort it out. You can't do it alone, and this is the best part-you don't have to :-)

Being out here, on my own-totally alone from friends and family, has opened my eyes as to have dependent i've been on my own strength, but when it comes down to it, that isn't enough and that's when you run out of steam, God's strength is all you need and all that will ever actually work! I'm leaning on God, depending on Him more and more and drawing closer to Him daily. He's changing me, my attitudes, my perceptions of myself and I'm coming to realise that I don't have to punish myself or find other ways 'out' I've got Jesus and that's all I'm ever going to need. After years and years, learning and changing one's sef perception and learning that I don't have to 'punish' myself, I just have to lean on Jesus!-and remember to listen to the 'right Father'!