I've just given my first talk in a very long time, and my first talk ever at HTB staff meeting. If i'm honest (which is what we're all about, right?), i'm feeling a little bit vulnerable now. I spoke my heart, but i know that i am very different within the culture here. there's nothing scarier than standing in front of you friends, colleages and superiors and being raw!

I spoke on who God made us to be. Radical and wonderful! At the end i included a story called The Paper Bag Princess, which tied in, but i dont have time to type it out right now so will save it for another day. In the meantime, just thought i'd do what everyone else seems to do and cheat on my blog by cutting and pasting my talk! So..........


“I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well” Psalm 139:14
This is undoubtedly one of my anchor verses, but has particularly been with me for the past couple of months since Paul spoke on it on a Sunday. I want to talk a little on embracing who we are. Who God made us to be. Both “wonderful” parts, and the “fearful” parts.
First of all, I think I should probably come clean and admit that I have to attribute the majority of what I say to my mum and dad. For a number of reasons. Despite still being relatively young, it’s a curious thing getting steadily older and waking up to the ways you are more and more like your parents. This past year, for me, has been a time of learning about the stronger aspects of my character…and blaming them on my parents.
For instance – it’s probably safe to say that I have a tendency to be a bit of a talker. I thought it was hilarious when Archie asked me to do this…I thought, “|he has no idea what he’s got himself in for.” I went to visit my parents two weekends ago, and when I told them I would be doing this, dad just looked part amused, part horrified, and mum just looked concerned and said “that’s lovely darling, but how on earth are you going to manage to speak for just 10 minutes”.
Having said that, I know that my parents adore me. I know their fears for me, but I know that they love and respect who I am and the journey I am making. Perhaps one of the most significant things my dad has ever said to me is that he models himself as a father on Our Heavenly Father. He knows he will never get there, but is overwhelmed by the fact that if he loves me so much, just imagine what The Father feels for me. He once sent me a text message , “I love you my one and only special daughter and I am your best friend in the male domain till mr right comes along.”
Before you go thinking that my dad is a soppy wuss, I’ll just quickly share another thing, relating to being “fearfully” made. One time dad was overhearing a heart-to-heart between my mum and I and he said something under his breath which I just about caught. His words effected to “oh jenn, you’re so complicated”…but actually, he phrased it somewhat differently, using a word that I cant repeat, but rhymes with Rugger – a sport which many of you here I know appreciate…..moving on!
On a more sobering note, this year for me has involved a great deal of learning, particularly learning about myself. I suffered with an eating disorder in my late teens and early twenties. Actually, I was anorexic for a while and almost needed to drop out of university. With joy I can say that one of the key aspects to my healing was looking at my heavenly Father, as if totally eyeballing him and listening to what He had to say about me. Even hear the scary bits. I learnt a lot about the ways in which I was created, which includes the things that at times I’d prefer not to be. Complicated, deep thinking, analytical, brutally honest, risk taking, expressive…I know that these character traits often override, I misjudge people and situations, and I often overstep the mark, big time! And that hurts me that I do that.
My usual tactic to dealing with conflict would be to shut-up (sometimes a good thing), wallow in despair and beat myself with an emotional club at how utterly stupid I am. I would have abandoned friendship there and then, determining that I obviously wasn’t worth the time or effort. I have learnt that rather than to bury myself in a pit of despair about the way that I am, I need to humble myself, acknowledge that I was wrong, and that I need the help of the spirit to flourish in those ways in which I know God wants me to. I have learnt that those things which I once despised about myself can be GOOD, and actually can be used for God’s glory.
One of my favourite sayings of my mum’s is “you are never fully cooked”. What she means by this, is that even as we get older, and have more knocks and more life experience, and we may think that we’re rounding the bend of ‘fully formed maturity’, the comedy of life is that God is never finished with us! In some ways I think (and I often say to the Lord) “Come on, are we not done yet, I’m bored now!” But sometimes, I think, “What a relief!” I’ll never get there. You will never get there. I will never be perfect, I will never be the complete image of a perfect Christian, I will never be the perfect woman for the perfect man, I can never endeavour to be all of the silly things I dream of being in my girlish fantasies,…. But I am always, 100%, enough for my Lord.
When I take the question ‘am I enough for you?’ to anyone else but God, the answer always brings such bitter disappointment. But when I reflect on the fact that when God “created my inmost being” and “knitted me together in my mothers womb”, and even as He decided to “fearfully” take a risk in making me such a strong character, knowing I would be just too much for some to manage, He KNEW I would be wonderful. When we take the question ‘am I enough?’ to our Lord, He always, unfailing answers, “you are perfect.”
Before I leg it out of the building whilst Archie chases me down Brompton road for over-doing it, I’m going to finish with, not a bedtime story, but a morning time story, if you will. To pre-empt the story, I just want to say that I think that the moral of this story is that the heroine is oh so fearfully but wonderfully made…and she knows it, she embraces it, and she will not settle for believing anything less.
This is called ‘The Paper Bag Princess’………….