A couple of weekends ago I went away on our pastorate weekend retreat. This year we went to a place called Molsanger in basingstoke. The intention of the weekend was to get the whole pastorate out of london for some God time and some good old 'back to basics' bonding. The weekend was made up mainly of chilling, a couple of brilliant talks and some time with each other. The biggest thing for me this weekend was a small chat I had with a close friend of mine. This friend of mine is a very talented artist. She is someone who I truley look up to. She is your classic artist type; dead creative in all manners of speaking, very intouch with her feelings and, as most arstists, always looking for a free meal. This friend of mine is someone who I feel has a very strong relationship with God and someone who I feel I can learn alot from. With this in mind when she sat next to me in front of the fire on the weekend I proceeded to pick her brains about some things. The main thing for me recently has been this strong feeling of a distance between me and the Big Guy upstairs. Im my eyes I have been trying to be the best person I can be for Him. I even got to the point where I was outright asking for Him to break me, that I would take whatever he had to throw at me if it meant I could be a stronger preson and the person He wanted me to be. For weeks I continued to ask, but there was nothing, no floods of tears, no overwhelming pains of the heart, no revelations, nothing. I wanted to be this brilliant christain that was shining for him, but nothing was happening. So instead I started to focus on the gifts I felt I was being blessed with, how could I use those to the best of my abilities, the gifts in my everyday life, how could I use those for his glory? But still I had this sense that nothing was changing. So I spilled this all out to my red headed friend. She was very understanding and pretty much explained that as creatives we always try and get the best from something and that we can sometimes loose sight of what the whole thing is all about. After a while of talking, whether she realised it or not, she pretty much hit the nail on the head with what I was doing wrong. It sounds so obvious and I feel like a bit of a fool for missing it, but she basically pointed out that I was focusing on the wrong thing completely. I was focusing on the wanting to be broken so I can grow, wanting to the best I can be, wanting what I thought was the best way to grow as a Christian, instead of focusing on Him. Again, its sounds stupid, but all I need do is learn about Him, grow hungry to know Him, pray and read the bible, all the rest, all the bits I was focusing will follow.
Thank you my artisic friend, He truley spoke to me through you.