'Your brother is an armed robber'? These were the first words said to me after I had told someone what had happened to Nick, only minutes after I had heard from Mum down the other end of the phone that Nick was going to prison.

Perhaps, in hindsight, they were not the most helpful words ever said, or the most sympathetic, but they did serve to hit home what Nick had done.

I had given my life to Christ only two weeks previously on an Alpha weekend in Chichester so was struggling to understand why this had happened. But as I would learn very quickly, God can turn restore anything, turn good out of bad and always gives us what we need, even if this is not always what we want. This happened with Nick and this is his story.

I have felt called to write it up ever since reading a blog on this site that spoke about the mysterious ways of God and how he turns good out of bad and gives us always what we need, not always what we want. Genesis 50 verse 20 says: ‘You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.' That verse is crucial to this entire story.

Moved by the reinforcement of God's strength and goodness as I read Liz's blog, in it she wrote: ‘We can sit impatiently waiting, or we can stand secure in the fact that God has promised us that He loves us, and will give us all that we need, as and when we need it. I think the thing we misunderstand is that God gives us what we need, but not necessarily what we want. Like a child who likes things that glisten and shine not realising that some sharp and dangerous things come into that category, God will take things away from us, or not give us something, or someone, despite our tears and tantrums. Or perhaps He won't give us something until we're grown up and mature enough to use it properly. He does this for our own good, and we must trust and understand that He will give us the right things at the right time. It's not our job to understand exactly why this is, it's for us to accept it with grace and to glorify God even in our confusion.'

And this is the heart of Nick's story. Waiting patiently, trusting implicitly, knowing just knowing that God is in control and will take care of everything despite what we might feel at the time.

Nick is perhaps one of the gentlest, kindest, most loving people that I know of, an amazing guy, now happily married to a beautiful American lady, living near Chicago, and totally in love with Jesus. Four years younger than me, he was someone who I always saw as my ‘little brother' when we were both children, growing up on the western outskirts of Sheffield, bordering the Peak District. He was MY brother, a beautiful kid with bright blue eyes and bleach-blonde hair, a bit naughty in an innocent way, cheeky perhaps, but was in love with God. In fact, he had a real faith in Jesus and loved him with his heart and soul, whereas I preferred to use church as a social club and had little interest in Christianity as a kid.

But something very bad happened to Nick when he was aged just nine (we would not know about this until he was 20) and it began the slow reversal of all the good that had built up in him. Although he went to equestrian college in Lincolnshire, it did not last and by the time he was a young man, had met some people that acted as a destructive influence and moved onto drugs before quickly becoming addicted to heroin. He joined a gang and got into terrible fights with bouncers and others.

There were many other incidents that involved Nick but which I can't go into detail about on this blog because they are still too painful but whenever I saw him during this time, he seemed angry, abusive and often violent and I was left thinking ‘where is the Nick that I know and love?' Where IS he? It was if he had been taken away, to be replaced by a stranger that had taken over his body. And yet I remember thinking, that underneath, deep down, was a little boy, someone so badly hurting, lost and lonely but unable to be reached by any of us, such was his pain and mounting fury. What had happened at the age of nine had caused him to have these terrible flashbacks of the incident, so strong that he thought that they would overwhelm him and even kill him and the only way that he could alleviate any of this was through taking drugs.

It was during this time that God asked my Mum whether she was prepared to fully let Nick go, to fully give Nick up to God, and Mum agreed but knowing what would be the likely result. This was Mum's greatest fear, that he would end up in prison. We then didn't hear from him for a while but suddenly, late one night, Mum got a phonecall from him. It was the exact same time (even to the minute) that I had called Mum two weeks previously, telling her that I had given my life to God. Nick called 336 hours later but instead of being from the New Horizons holiday resort, was from a police station, saying that he had been arrested for committing robbery with a weapon.

Later, Mum would tell me that God had answered her prayers with regards to me - that I would come to know Jesus - as a gift from him during this very painful time.

The first time I visited Nick in prison, it felt like being a stranger in a foreign land. He was sent initially on remand to HMP Doncaster and after being sentenced to five years, to HMP Lindholme. Visiting Nick there, the security felt ridiculous. We had to bring our passports and then go through three separate security checks, take shoes and socks off in case we were smuggling drugs, sit in different waiting rooms once in the next inner bit of the prison, and then finally, after about an hour, shown into a sort of gym area where prisoners would sit around a wooden table with visitors. It was here that I saw Nick for the first time.

During those first few seconds, I wanted to melt with love for him, seeing my little brother sitting there in this grown-up place, alone and vulnerable. And yet, I could not relate to him at all. I felt that we talked about stupid stuff, joked and laughed, but was all so superficial. Perhaps it had to be, because Nick could have not allowed his defences to be lowered for a second. He had to be a hard man where he was, not vulnerable in reality but instead unyielding, and I understood but it was hard. It was much harder for Mum and Dad though, and probably also for Beth who, while only being thirteen, never missed a visit. She wanted to come also and to stand side by side with Mum and Dad.

But in prison, something was happening and it was the Holy Spirit sweeping through Nick and changing him from within. One day, when Mum was visiting Nick, he told her an amazing thing. He had made the conscious choice not to take drugs in prison and so when these feelings came over him, feelings about what had happened to him when he was just nine years old, he told her that they did not last. But prior to prison, he had never discovered this because he had always taken drugs to block out the pain. Then, amazingly, he was offered group counselling but due to other prisoners always being ill, cancelling etc, he had 1-1 counselling for six months straight and was healed from what had happened to him as a child. It was a clear example of God's provision for him.

I think also that with no place to run anymore and the only person that he could call out to being Jesus, in desperation he rediscovered the lovely relationship that he had had with his heavenly father when he was a young boy.

At the same time, as Nick was in prison, Mum and Dad were running a drug club called FFF (Food, Fellowship and Fun) for drug addicts within their home. It started after they had asked Nick before he went to prison why he kept going back to drugs. Nick replied that it wasn't really the drugs but instead feeling totally accepted as a person in the group that he mixed with. Feeling really sad about this and also about how the church seemed to be failing these people, Mum began to pray and asked God what she could do to help. God spoke to her about opening up her and Dad's home. She quickly realised, however, that this would have to be every week, as addicts would never remember to come if it was only every fortnight!

A lot of people initially thought that my parents were mad, inviting complete strangers into their house once a week for a meal, to watch a film or to play a game. But it offered addicts a chance to get away from the ugliness of their life, often living in squats or on the streets, granting them the opportunity to get away from everything for a few hours, to eat and drink in a beautiful home and to feel human again, and to just be loved and given back hope. In doing so, many lives were turned around.

God told Mum and Dad also that for FFF, the finest food should be prepared, that the house should be immaculate and that those coming should be treated like royalty. Just as we would cook an amazing meal for a very special dinner party, or clean our home from top to bottom for VIP guests, so it should be for the people coming in off the streets, to be treated like royalty and to experience God's love for them like never before.

At first, it started with just six people but quickly, FFF regularly attracted much larger numbers. But the house felt protected by heavenly angels, immune from acts of violence, theft of any sort or anything else that that would raise questions about the legitimacy of what they were doing. But inviting a group of scruffy, tattooed, rough-speaking, smelly drug addicts into one's home is not what decent, middle-class people 'should be doing', even as Christians, and Mum was told this. But God blessed that group. Often having only a few people, other times up to 48, they amazingly never ran out of food.

One man, let's call him Steve, came to the very first meeting of FFF. It was largely through word of mouth on the street that FFF got known and built up a reputation. Steve started coming from week one. He was in rehab at the time and getting off drugs and met Jesus soon after in a remarkable way, building up an amazing relationship with him. A few years later, however, Steve was back on drugs because of his situation which had overwhelmed him. He was in a relationship and his partner, let's call her Laura, was five months pregnant and both she and Steve were using (drugs) and there was real concern about the baby because it was not growing.

Mum and Dad decided to invite Steve and Laura to live with them, in the attic flat at the very top of the house. The baby was born four months later healthily, which was an answer to prayer, but both Steve and Laura were struggling with their addictions. One night, Steve went out and bought drugs and quickly overdosed and my Dad had to resituate him. He and Laura were allowed back on the condition that they would not use again but Steve overdosed soon after, Mum this time having to resuscitate him. After this, Mum and Dad decided that they would have to leave and go back to their own flat and they lost touch with them both.

A few months later, however, some Christians who went to my parents' church (St Toms, Sheffield) had moved a few doors below Steve and Laura and quickly befriended them and Steve began coming back to church occasionally. Today, both Steve and Laura attend church regularly and just three weeks ago, Steve was baptised and on the Sunday just gone, Mum told me that Steve had thanked her for being his Mum and looking out for her.

You see, God wants to restore people and does do so, through relationships, even when the world has turned their back on someone, like it had on Steve and Laura. No one wanted to know them, be their friends, offer them hope, give them love, a sense of community, post an invitation to come in from the cold. Steve and Laura just wanted to feel the love of Christ and be restored, like we all do. And through God, they were and are being still today. Jesus came through for them, like he does with us all.

My bro Nick, meanwhile, was moved to an open prison and prepared for his entry back into freedom, having come back to Christ. He wrote to me once, saying that, ‘strength is what you gain after brokenness, when you get back up and keep moving. I know that I am weak, but as I focus on Him, I see how my brokenness can help others to regain or feel comfort from another soul who has walked the same path.'

Nick said once that he never knew that prison and the hardships that came with it would be such soul changing and character forming tools. He said that he knew that every valley and every desert was a place to learn from. ‘I am free', Nick told me, ‘but I can be even more free to fly higher, if I just embrace Him that that gave me the wings to fly, because without Him I am nothing! It's all because of Jesus that I can face those problems that life throws at you. I am so weak that I need His touch daily, and to not be in His presence is for a flower never to be warmed by the sun. I want so much more, I am starving for a reality that the world has failed to give me and that cannot give me. The world does not hold that which can unlock and break my chains.'

And it comes back to what Liz wrote about in her blog, that we must trust and understand that Jesus will give us the right things at the right time. In Nick's case, prison which seemed such a disaster initially, was the making of him.

Last January, in a beautiful candelight church service, he got married to an American girl, Rachel, and they are now living happily near Chicago. He is at peace with himself, in love with Jesus, and has so many riches that God has poured out to him over the last few years.

While in prison, Nick began writing poetry and two are below included below:

Tears in my soul

Everyday goes by,
with the wings of my soul I fly.
I think of love,
the gentleness of a dove.
With passion I hold tight,
to the dreams of my soul this night.
There's a freedom from my past,
and a future built to last.

(© Nick Self, 2002)

My life, your life

When will it go?
the brown makes my life flow.

The pain that I feel,
only God can seal.

When I feel weak,
And people think that I am a freak,
Then Jesus steps in,
To make my life begin.

He takes the old,
And makes things new,
Only he can make me bold.

Am I one of the few?
Who only God can make new?

(© Nick Self, 2001)