When I'm bored at work, I look at facebook.
I don't really have anything else to do. No one has given me anything to do - and I don't think its appropriate, at the moment, to go and ask all the busy people if they have anything for me to do.

But as I've spent a lot of time on facebook, I've noticed some disturbing trends.

These have all been highlighed by a recent chain-note that's been circulating called "Friends with Benefits".

The basic idea of this note is that if you read it, you have to post it (otherwise you're just too scared / lacking in courage / lacking in honesty). "Statistically" chances are that multiple friends of yours on facebook either want to date you, or want to sleep with you (or, impliedly, both). And so you post this note, and if anyone reads it and falls into these categories (and, again, is not chicken), they send you certain messages.

And then, I guess, presumeably, you decide what to do about it.
Oh, and you have to do this even if "you're taken".

My first reaction was a little self-righteous:

This note illustrates so much of what is wrong with society. Intimacy is broken by consumerism, friendship is sexualised, and trust becomes difficult. Lust enters those areas of our lives that are meant to be safe and clean.
Everyone wants something. Everyone has a price. Everyone is selfish and self-interested. You just take advantage of it.
Friends... impliedly only "with benefits" if they want to go out with you or sleep with you.

And then... I looked at myself a little bit. And I had a think over what I did when I browsed facebook.
I am attracted to some of my friends. I haven't told all of them this. I'd never take advantage of them, I'd never do anything inappropriate with them. But sometimes I can't help but wonder "what if....?"
And more often than I'd like to admit, its this "what if...?" that fuels my wanderings on facebook.

And its a little bit voyeuristic. A little bit stalkerish. And I don't like that. I shouldn't be doing that.

But then I realise that so many people do. If we're honest. Both girls and guys. Facebook just provides a forum. This "Friends with Benefits" note is just this voyeurism carried to it's logical conclusion.

And its a self-perpetuating cycle. People are lonely. People have bought into the myth that romantic love can cure every problem they have. They're lonely because they lack intimacy... and so they go looking for it. Through Facebook (at least partially).
And because society blurs the lines between friendship and sex and intimacy and love and respect and good clean fun... blurs boundaries... people look at their friends this way. Which helps destroy environments of trust and security where true friendship and intimacy can develop... which makes people more lonely.

It makes me feel that little bit... more lonely. Less satisfied... when I wander around on facebook wondering "what if....?"

At the same time, I look at aboutlife, and I can't help but notice how many "singles" threads there are. I've been spending a lot of "bored" time on aboutlife too... and so I've read pretty much every thread posted in the last week or so. And an astounding majority have a lot to do with being single - very often complaining about how Christian guys or girls are not forward enough in relationships.

I think thats a fair point. I've had plenty of discussions with Christian friends about how Christian guys should take the lead, and about how Christian girls maybe need to loosen up a little ... And I've witnessed how, in the church, there's almost a pressure-cooker atmosphere surrounding the dating/friendship issue, which makes it hot to handle, scary, and... well... seem like a really big deal (which makes it even more scary).

So the dilemma I've sketched out is this: society in general seems to blur the lines between frienship, dating and intimacy in an unhealthy way that can be toxic to trust and true friendship. This seeps into our attitudes... and we react to it, either positively or negatively. This influence is something we need to deal with in the church.
But how do we deal with it in the church?
The Church (as my mother was so fond of saying) is a school for sinners, not a museum for saints - and we're all broken, and we're all vulnerable, and many of the scars we carry come from relationships. We're damaged goods. We have issues. We, often, need careful handling in relationship situations, be they dating or friendship... whether we're girls OR guys.

So a laissez faire approach to dating may not be the best way forward. At the same time... boundaries and excessive formalities can choke relationships... and add to the whole pressure cooker atmosphere.
Love is not about rules.

But rules help Love to grow. And I think that's going to be my "working answer".
Formalities (and the law, as Jesus points out) exist because of our human condition. We're broken people. We need rules.
The rules are not the point (as he also points out), and we always need to keep the point in mind (Love)... but the rules should be respected because they provide the space for both Romantic Love and Fillial Love to grow.

Defining relationships, and sticking to the definitions is important. And Living by those.
Honesty and open-ness is important, especially within the gender groupings, as we help eachother, brothers helping brothers, sisters helping sisters, In Christ, to deal with all the issues that will arise, and to flesh out what Love should look like in the gray areas where the "rules" are ambiguous.

And then. Realising. That Dating. And Relationships. Are not that big an issue.
Look at how much time Jesus spends talking about them.
Look at how much time Paul spends talking about them.
And the Letters.
And the Old Testament.

Yeah, they're in there. But they're most definitely not at the top of the agenda.
And when they are talked about, usually there's some quite generic pastoral advice given, and the issue is left at that.
Allowing quite a bit of flexibility.

Relationships can hurt people. Intimacy can hurt people. And we will be hurt. But God heals. And we are meant to Love and Forgive.
Maybe we just need to adopt some rules (and they may differ from group to group... because there are probably a bunch of different safe ways to conduct relationships) and chill out.

Take responsibility. Stay close to God. And chill out.

And for me. Stop spending so much time on Facebook.
Aiyah.

Talk about guarding your eyes.