Today was so gorgeous! And there I was stuck in work for the first day in 12. Humph. Good to be back, but I did want to spend so much of the day with my nose pressed to the window like one of those Garfield toys in a car window, better still - outside. Alas - I work 8am till 8.30pm. So I resigned myself to the fate of adulthood & launched myself into the day with aplomb. I was buzzing.

But there I was, bowling through it, laughing & joking with my friends, when everything suddenly exploded, as it has a nasty habit of doing in my line of work.

One of my patients died on the operating table today. First time for everything. Dammit. So the last thing I said to him was probably something silly to try & distract him just before a big fat syringeful of anaesthetic did its thing. And the last thing I did for him was have a bit of a giggle with him as I helped him put on surgical stockings (you need a healthy sense of the ridiculous in my job).

I wasn't with him when his wife kissed him goodbye - I never can stand goodbyes. But then I'd never really thought that just this once it might be a final goodbye. Did they? What do you say? What would you say?
I know nursing makes me so ridiculously grateful for being alive, but today really drove it home. Watching his family reeling, with the sunlight of a beautiful day fading, I was so aware of my frailty, humanity, vulnerability, stupidity, impatience, fragility.

I've promised myself this before, but I must make sure I say the things to people I love that I want them to know... because you never know. Say it like you mean it.