I have just been away on a church weekend and I found it really hard.  A lot of it!  ( I had originally written - ALL of it but there are some good friends of mine who I love dearly and got to share time with as well - that was good!)



The preaching was on the book of Philippians and it was really quite hard to take it all in.  This is the thing....

I know that God is real and He wants to do good stuff and that He does do good stuff, but I just don't get Him sometimes.  I am asking a lot of questions about the whole Christianity thing and about God and who his people are...
I know it all sounds a bit strange and dramatic but it's real.  I was surrounded by a whole bunch of christians (me being one of them)  and although I knew a lot of them, and get on with a lot of them, there was something a little bit fabricated about it all this time - for me anyway.

I mean, we were all singing praise and worship to God and listening to what was being said in the word but there was something a lot deeper in it for me.  Some of the songs I could not sing.  I am one of those people to whom lyrics really matter.  What you say to me and show me I take to be true and really you, until you personally show or prove me otherwise.  A flaw most would say but I like being that way - it's just me.  One song has the chorus:

"You are the God of the broken, friend of the weak,
You wash the feet of the weary and embrace the ones in need,
I want to be like you Jesus, to have this heart in me,
You are the God of the broken, you are the humble King."

I was thinking about this.  I was really hurt just before the New Year.  I am (at the moment - was) a big journaller and I write (used to write!) down what I feel God has said to me so I can look back on it when I need it.  Well - I listened to God about some stuff and He said to me "it's safe to open your heart out and to trust."  I did.  I can be fairly naive and have a pretty laid back southern hemisphere approach to things  (I mean - my first kiss was age 20!! - but I am going off on a different train of thought altogether - nothiing to do with this...!) but I am also a doer.
*Why did I put that last bit in?  Oh well - it's in now!!*

Anyway - the point was that by obeying what I felt God said to me, I was then left open for a big slap - and boy did I get one!  I mean, it was less than 8 hours between everything being great to not.  But thats not the point..

The point I am trying to make about where I am at the moment is this... 
The lyrics to that song are too close to home for me.  The first line is really hard for me because I feel let down by God.  I really do.  I strongly feel that lyrics have to come from a heart that 100% there (but that may just be the thespian and poet in me!?), that you have to choose to sing them.  I sang them but it was hard for me!

ONe of the questions I am asking is 'How can it be that this God I associate with this current hurt could be the God who seems to be fabulous and great with everyone else'?  I don't want to come across as one of those people whose lives are eternally burdened (in all areas but that is their 'burden to bear') because thats not what I am like.  I like to think that I suck it up and get on with it as best I can (in a christian sense).   
I know we all have our burdens to bear and I would hate to say whose is bigger than whose.  Each different burden is just as heavy for the person involved - different but it weighs just as heavily.

I am questioning God on some stuff at the moment, but I feel that if I didn't question I would not be true to the faith I have chosen and believe to be true. 
It is in the questioning and seeking of answers that I become stronger, firmer and more grounded in what I believe.  To blindly be swept along in the wave of Christianity and thank God for every trial has never been an easy thing for me to do - and I know I have a LONG way to go until I sincerely 100% mean it each time I say it.  He didn't make me that way.  He made me dogged and enquiring and gave me a thirst to know more.  It's just who I am.

I do feel broken and stripped down and in some need of God but I don't know...  I just don't know...

I ask a lot of questions and I know that I need to keep drawing near to Him and not running away or turning my back.  It is hard though to stand still, as every choice you make either advances you forward, or takes you back.  I think it is impossible to stand still.

I hear all the time that God is good and I see it all the time that God is good, it is just that sometimes we need to know - in our particular circumstances - that God is good and that he really does know us by name...

Sometimes we just need to KNOW....  I know that tonight, I need to know...