Last week I was suffering from post-Focus fatigue.  And I think I had a particularly bad case.
I was grumpy, irritable and often close to tears.  I felt frustrated, angry, vulnerable and, as the title of this post suggests, raw.
I just couldn’t understand it.
Despite my reservations, Focus had been amazing.  God was awesome, the weather was perfect, I got enough sleep (as unbelievable as it sounds) and I met some fantastic people.  I was challenged, inspired and even surprised at times (God definitely has a sense of humour).  Yet by Wednesday last week I was a wreck.
Then it suddenly hit me: what I was experiencing was normal.  Admittedly my feelings were probably enhanced by the fact that I hadn’t had a holiday for 6 months and had to get up at 6am the Sunday after Focus to work… but in essence, the fact that I was feeling a little ‘down’ was okay.  In fact, it was almost to be expected.
Ironically at the beginning of Focus I’d shared some thoughts with the Older Youth leaders about spiritual warfare, specifically looking at the life of Elijah.  Summary: we are in a spiritual battle; we should expect spiritual attacks; and these attacks often come immediately after a spiritual victory.
Clearly I hadn’t been listening to my own talk.  Had I read on past 1 Kings 18, I might have understood a little more about what was going on in my life. 
In the space of one chapter Elijah single-handily leads a national revival, calls down fire from heaven, kills 850 false prophets (he did get a little help with that one), starts a thunderstorm (again, a little help) and then runs 15 miles in the rain. 
Yet by the next chapter he is lying in the desert alone, asking God to end his life.  Why?
Some possible reasons:

1. he was physically, emotionally and spiritually exhausted
   

There had been a famine in the land – Elijah had lived on bread made from the flour and oil of a faith-filled widow (c.f. 1 Kings 17) but little else.  He’d rebuilt a stone altar and then ran 15 miles in the rain faster than a chariot.  Emotionally he’d had the strain of spending three years being hunted by one of the most wicked kings in Israelite history (1 Kings 18:10) in addition to knowing that the land was experiencing famine because of his decision (1 Kings 17:1).  On top of all this he then had to confront 850 false prophets and lead the Israelite nation back to God.
I suspect exhaustion doesn’t even come close to how Elijah was feeling.

     2.   things weren’t turning out exactly how he  had expected

I think Elijah would have been fairly justified in thinking that the king, on seeing fire fall from heaven and the end of his country’s drought, would have repented of his wickedness and joined the people in turning back to God. 
Instead Ahab returns home and chats to his wife.  And rather than a nice ‘welcome-home-Elijah-so-sorry-you-were- right-all-along-please-forgive-us-oh- and-we’d-love-it-if-we-could-get- together-to-discuss-a-national-R.E- programme’ (which I suspect Elijah was expecting), what he actually got was another death warrant.

Not wishing to compare my own situation too much to Elijah’s (I don’t tend to run 15 miles that frequently for instance), I did however notice a few similarities. 
There had definitely been some spiritual victories won at Focus.  I returned home exhausted.  And yes, as much as I hate to admit it, some stuff wasn’t quite working out the way I’d planned (more on that in a future blog entry).
So I decided to follow in Elijah’s footsteps.
I am now on holiday (not quite a desert, although my parent’s garden is looking a little brown and dusty at the moment…).
I have my very own angels (cunningly disguised as my parents) who are feeding me bread and water (ingeniously disguised as all my favourite foods – particularly Nutella… bliss).
I’ve been getting plenty of sleep (although it’s in a bed rather than under a tree…)
I have a mountain (well… it’s actually more of a man-made lake, but God is definitely there).
And, perhaps most importantly, I’m spending time trying to be real with God. And you know what?  God hasn’t changed since Elijah did the same thing.  He’s just let me talk.
And I know that by the time my holiday comes to an end God, my ever-faithful father, will have picked me up, dusted me down, spoken in a still small voice (whether I’ll have been quiet enough to listen is another matter) and told me to press on.

In fact, he's already started.  And I'm feeling so much better.  Hurrah!